In Case of Bears...

Bill Bryson, how dare you?



Do you know how many times he mentions bears or bear attacks or (gasp!) bears eating my food? It's ridiculous! He should be ashamed of himself. Let me quoteth to you some of his facts/horrors as used in his book, A Walk in the Woods.



-"Black bears rarely attack. But here's the thing. Sometimes they do. All bears are agile, cunning, and immensely strong, and they are always hungry. If they want to kill you and eat you, they can, and pretty much whenever they want. That doesn't happen often, but--and here is the absolute salient point--once would be enough."



And of course...



"Up to that moment it had not occurred to me that bears might prowl in parties. What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die, of course. Literally [crap] myself lifeless. I would blow my sphincter out my backside like one of those unrolling paper streamers you get at a children's parties--I daresay it would even give a merry toot--and bleed to a messy death in my sleeping bag."



Merry toots are just not my thing.



I read this book at the beginning of my "research" into our (Michael and Bethany's) upcoming journey: we have sold off, packed up, and said goodbye to life in Lancaster and are headed to Oregon (somewhere there in). Our goal: hike and explore. Our goal after reading Walk? Not to become the bits that gets stuck in a bear's mouth.



Perhaps I'm overly concerned about something Mr. Bryson added for cheap thrills and chills; something small, something minor.

Perhaps. But then, if I didn't obsess over bears, then what else would I do with my free time? Pack, plan? Hardly.

Here's a funny clip from comedian Mike Birbiglia who says, (paraphrased) "There are so many bears in Alaska that they give you a pamphlet. The pamphlet says if you see a bear, play dead... That seems like a real gamble..." Watch the full bit at http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/514688>

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